Dealing With Shit You Didn’t Know Chemo Would Do (Literally and Figuratively)

This blog is for anyone who’s been sitting on the toilet at midnight and thought, “Same shit, different day.”
Welcome to the side of chemo they don’t put on the pamphlets, the messy, weird, and utterly unexpected stuff. Literal and figurative. Let’s go.

Diarrhoea, Constipation, and the Toilet Tango

Let’s start with the obvious (and least glamorous): bowel movements. Or the total lack of them. Or way too many of them. You’ll never look at your toilet the same way again.

• Diarrhoea: Some chemo drugs strip your gut lining and suddenly you’re running to the loo like it’s a competitive sport. It’s not just loose, it’s urgent. And unpredictable. And often comes with stomach cramps that make you question your life choices.
• Constipation: On the flip side, anti-nausea meds and painkillers (especially opioids) can turn your gut into a cement mixer. Days without going. Rock-hard stool. The kind of straining that makes you feel like you’ve aged 40 years.
• Surprise bonus: You can swing between both extremes in the same week. Sometimes the same day. It’s chaos. There are no rules.

Pro tip: Don’t be a hero. Use stool softeners, fibre supplements, prune juice, or laxatives if you need them. And speak up. Your care team has seen it all. There’s zero shame in saying, “Hey, I haven’t shit in five days.”

Chemo Brain – Wait, What Was I Saying?

Figuratively speaking, your brain may also take a massive hit. They call it “chemo brain” but that makes it sound cute. It’s not. It’s forgetting why you walked into a room. It’s re-reading the same sentence six times and still not processing it. It’s feeling like your IQ got flushed.

It’s also frustrating as hell, especially if you used to pride yourself on being sharp or switched on. Suddenly, even simple tasks feel overwhelming.

Pro tip: Keep a notebook or use your phone’s notes app. Lists are your friend. So is forgiving yourself when your brain farts at the worst possible time.

Skin, Nails and All That Gross Shit

No one tells you your nails might go black, peel off, or develop weird ridges. Or that your skin might feel like crepe paper. Or that you’ll suddenly get rashes or sensitivity in places that have never been sensitive before (looking at you, armpits and groin).

Some chemo drugs can even cause hand-foot syndrome, where your palms and soles become red, sore, and peel. Not ideal if you’re trying to, say, stand up or hold a coffee cup without wincing.

Pro tip: Moisturise like your life depends on it. And mention changes early, there are creams and meds that can help before it gets unbearable.

Emotional Shitstorms (Also Known as “Crying in the Shower” Syndrome)

Chemo doesn’t just hit your body, it messes with your mind. Hormones get whacked. Sleep gets wrecked. And then there’s the existential dread of, you know, having cancer.

Even on “good” days, emotions can come out sideways. Anger. Sadness. Guilt. Random bursts of crying at dog food commercials. It’s all on the table.

Pro tip: You’re not losing it. You’re reacting like a human being under extreme pressure. Therapy helps. So does talking to people who get it, other patients, support groups, or even just that one mate who listens without trying to fix everything.

Taste Buds and Food Fails

Imagine biting into your favourite meal and it tasting like metal. Or cardboard. Or absolutely nothing. Now imagine that happening every day for months.

Chemo can destroy your taste buds. Things you used to love might taste gross. And your appetite? Gone. Or, if you’re lucky, it sticks around just long enough for nausea to ruin it anyway.

Pro tip: Eat what you can, when you can. Don’t stress about “balanced meals” survival food is fine. If toast and jelly beans are all that works today, so be it.

Weird Bodily Shit You Didn’t Expect

• Cold sensitivity: Some drugs (like oxaliplatin) can make touching cold things feel like electric shocks. Even sipping cold water can hurt.
• First bite syndrome: That jaw-clenching pain that hits when you take your first mouthful. It’s real. And weird. And yes, it usually goes away after a few bites.
• Random sweating or hot flushes: Thanks, hormonal changes.
• Chemo farts: No one talks about them. But they are next-level. Sometimes silent. Always deadly. And far too frequent.

Pro tip: Laugh when you can. It’s either that or cry. Or both. Sometimes in the same hour.

Social Shit: Awkward Moments and Cancelled Plans

You’ll miss events. You’ll bail on plans last minute. You’ll forget birthdays. You’ll avoid social outings because you’re too tired or too anxious or just too over it. And you’ll feel guilty. Don’t.

Chemo makes life smaller for a while. That’s not failure, that’s survival.

Pro tip: Be honest with the people around you. The ones who matter will understand. And the rest? Not your problem right now.

Final Thought

Chemo is brutal. It’s not just nausea and hair loss. It’s diarrhoea, brain fog, emotional spirals, weird tastes, broken nails, and a deep sense of “What the hell is happening to me?”

But you’re not alone in that mess. If you’re dealing with all this, or about to, just know that most of us are right there with you. Crying on the toilet one day, laughing at fart jokes the next. It’s a ride. You’re allowed to hate it. You’re allowed to vent. And you’re absolutely allowed to say, “No one warned me it’d be this fucking weird.”