Going To Weddings, Birthdays & Big Events When You’re Not 100%

When you’re dealing with cancer, whether it’s treatment, surgery recovery, fatigue, or grief, showing up to big life events isn’t as simple as just RSVP-ing yes. Birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, funerals… they all hit differently when your body and brain aren’t cooperating.

Sometimes you want to be there more than anything, but you physically can’t. Other times, you do show up, but you’re a shell of your usual self, silently calculating how long you need to stay before it’s socially acceptable to leave. And sometimes, being there hurts emotionally more than it helps.

This blog is for those moments. The ones where you want to be part of the celebration or the grief but cancer’s got other plans.

Why These Events Hit So Hard

There’s a unique kind of grief in missing out on someone else’s milestone. It’s not just about the event itself, it’s about feeling like life is moving forward without you. That your illness is quietly cutting you out of your own community.

For many of us with bowel cancer, especially younger patients, that can mean missing weddings, big birthdays, baby showers, funerals, or even just long-awaited catch-ups with mates. And when you’re already feeling isolated from “normal life,” these moments hit hard.

You might feel:

• Guilty – for not showing up
• Ashamed – of how different you look or feel
• Bitter – that everyone else gets to be healthy
• Exhausted – just thinking about small talk, noise, or travel
• Emotionally raw – especially if it’s a reminder of what you’ve lost or might never have

And guess what? All of those are valid. There’s no shame in struggling with the emotional and physical load these events can bring.

When You Have to Miss It And It Sucks

Sometimes, despite your best intentions, you just can’t go. You’re mid-chemo. You’ve just had surgery. You’re immunocompromised. You’re grieving. You’re wrecked with fatigue or nausea. Whatever the reason, you have to bow out and it fucking sucks.

I’ve had to miss weddings, birthdays, and long-awaited get-togethers. One of the hardest was a close mate’s wedding where I was meant to be a groomsman. Treatment had knocked me flat. But instead of just writing me off as a no-show, my friends did something incredible, they had a life-size cardboard cutout made of me and took it to the wedding. Guests took photos with it and sent them to me throughout the night. It made me feel so seen and included, even though I was stuck at home.

So if you’re reading this while curled up in bed, devastated about missing something important, I see you. It’s okay to be gutted. It doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful or unsupportive. It means you’re human.

Ways to Be “There” Even When You’re Not

If you can’t physically attend but still want to be part of the moment, there are ways to show up from afar:

• Record a video message for the person or group
• Send a card or gift with a personal message
• Join virtually if the event is being livestreamed
• Organise something before or after, a coffee, a smaller catch-up, or a personal moment with the person
• Ask for updates or photos and let people know you still care, even if you’re not there

And if you’ve got great friends, they might go the extra mile (like mine did) to help you feel part of it anyway.

When You DO Decide to Go

Sometimes you’ll choose to go, even if you’re not 100%. That’s brave and probably a little risky but totally understandable. Here are a few things that might help:

• Have an escape plan, know how to leave early without stress
• Bring a support person who gets it and won’t make you feel guilty if you need to tap out
• Pre-warn the host if you’re not sure how long you’ll last
• Sit down often and pace yourself (you don’t have to be in every photo or conversation)
• Wear whatever makes you comfortable, even if it’s not what everyone else is wearing
• Prep your energy, rest before and after, don’t schedule other things that week if you can avoid it

And most importantly, you don’t owe anyone an explanation beyond “I’m doing my best.”

Social Pressure vs Self-Protection

It’s easy to feel pressure to “just show up” especially if it’s a big event. You don’t want to disappoint anyone. You don’t want to be seen as the person who’s always bailing. But at the end of the day, you’re managing something most people can’t even begin to understand.

If going will drain you for days, worsen your symptoms, or leave you spiralling emotionally, you’re allowed to protect yourself. That doesn’t make you a bad friend. That makes you someone who’s trying to survive.

You might even find that people respect your honesty more than you expect. And if they don’t? That’s on them, not you.

Let’s Talk About Grief Events, Too

Sometimes the event you’re trying to attend isn’t a celebration, it’s a funeral, a wake, or a memorial. And that comes with its own layer of emotional and physical challenge.

You might feel torn between wanting to honour someone and not having the strength to face that kind of emotional intensity. If it’s too much, you can still find ways to pay tribute:

• Write a message for someone else to read on your behalf
• Light a candle at home and take a quiet moment to reflect
• Send a message to the family letting them know you’re thinking of them
• Plan your own private moment of remembrance

There’s no rulebook here. Grief is already heavy. You don’t need to add guilt on top.

Final Thought

If you’re reading this because you’re lying in bed on the day of a wedding, birthday, or big event, you’re not alone. Cancer has a way of stealing these moments from us, whether through pain, fatigue, appointments, or fear.

But your absence doesn’t mean you don’t care. And the people who love you will get that. When you can’t show up physically, there are still ways to show you care. And when you do choose to show up, even just for a little while, you deserve credit for every damn minute of effort it took to get there.

Be kind to yourself. Big events will keep happening. You’re still part of the story, even when cancer tries to write you out of the scene.