Stop Telling Me About Your Cousin’s Neighbour Who Beat Cancer With Essential Oils

Look, I get it. People mean well. Most of the time.

When someone you care about gets cancer, you want to help. You want to offer hope. You want to feel like you’ve got some secret weapon of wisdom that might magically fix the unfixable.

But for the love of fuck, please, I am begging you, stop telling cancer patients about your cousin’s neighbour’s hairdresser’s dog walker who “beat cancer” with essential oils, juice cleanses, fasting, crystals, or bicarb-fucking-soda.

The Bullshit Greatest Hits

If you’ve been around cancer for longer than five minutes, you’ve probably heard them all:

• “Have you tried cutting out sugar? Cancer feeds on sugar, you know.”
• “I read about this guy who cured his cancer with nothing but carrot juice.”
• “There’s a woman in Byron Bay selling anti-cancer essential oils.”
• “Big Pharma doesn’t want you to know about this natural cure.”
• “Fasting kills cancer cells.”
• “My mate swears by bicarb soda mixed with maple syrup.”

It’s like some weird bingo game where every patient gets to tick them off one by one, except the prize is wanting to scream into a pillow.

The Reality Check

Here’s the thing: if essential oils, juice cleanses or fasting were legitimate, proven cures for cancer, trust me, every oncologist on the planet would be handing them out like Oprah handing out cars.

Oncology is not some secret club trying to keep us sick for profit. Cancer treatment is brutal, expensive, and life-changing. No doctor wants that for their patients if there’s a better option.

Do some of these things have small, emerging evidence for supporting wellbeing alongside treatment? Sure. But curing Stage IV cancer with lemon juice and positive vibes? No. Just no.

Desperate People Do Desperate Things

And look, cards on the table, when shit gets real bad, I won’t lie… maybe I’ll give some weird stuff a crack. Ivermectin? Hell, maybe I’ll chuck it down with a whiskey chaser one day. But make no mistake: that’s desperation, not a recommendation.

If I try something unproven, it’s because medical science has run out of options, not because Karen from Facebook reckons turmeric cures tumours.

The Problem With False Hope

The real danger isn’t in people trying a juice cleanse. The danger is in selling hope over evidence. In convincing people to ditch proven treatment. In draining their savings chasing miracle cures that do nothing, or worse, cause harm.

And let’s not even start on the grifters making a profit off this stuff. If your “cancer cure” comes with a PayPal link, that’s a red flag so big you could see it from space.

How To Respond Without Starting a Fight

So what can you say when someone hits you with the latest unproven “cure” they saw on TikTok?

Here’s a few options I’ve either used or wanted to:

• “Sounds interesting, I’ll run it by my oncologist. They love a good laugh.”
• “If essential oils cured cancer, I reckon hospitals would smell way better.”
• “Cheers, but I’m sticking with the science for now.”
• “Honestly, if carrot juice could cure bowel cancer, I’d be orange by now.”
• “Appreciate the thought, but I’ll leave the medical advice to my medical team.”

What Actually Helps?

If you really want to help a cancer patient, here’s what actually makes a difference:

• Ask how they’re coping and actually listen
• Offer practical support (meals, transport, childcare, bills)
• Send a funny meme or a stupid TikTok
• Respect their choices about treatment
• Be there without judgement or unsolicited advice

Final Thought

Look, I know most people suggesting this stuff mean well. But here’s the bottom line: cancer patients are already drowning in advice, opinions, and horror stories.

If you want to help? Be kind. Be supportive. Be practical. And for the love of science, leave the essential oils for a nice bath, not a cancer cure.